"Who will love me for me?" - Reflections on Love, from a dude.

DISCLAIMER: I sense that God may have a higher purpose than just 'blogging' for this note. Too often we as Christians are either too unaware of our sinfulness or too unaware of God's grace, and the following series of paragraphs is my personal account of coming to terms with both. I pray you will find the courage to read through to the end.

The other day (literally) I tuned up Taylor (my guitar), recorded, and then posted a cover for a song by an artist named JJ Heller called "Love Me." The song (err.. the original recording at least) is easy listening, hands down. Catchy guitar, non-abrasive voice.. definitely easy on the ears. But the deep personal meaning behind this song did not make itself fully clear to me until after I had posted my own version.

[So check it. If you want the lyrics, Google them, or just listen to the song. Click HERE to hear the original or HERE to listen to my cover]

Portrayed in each verse, there is an internal conflict waging within three separate individuals that is explored through the lyrics. If you didn't take time to listen to the song, go listen to it. Now, silly. It's worth it. It really is. Alright. Good. If you paid attention, you may have noticed that each verse is different in ways. Here's a short summary.

• Verse 1 talks about the kid with the story no one would believe.
• Verse 2 tells of the self-conscious woman who's husband has run away.
• Verse 3 is about the skid row convict who regrets his past.

Then the chorus presents the common denominator that ties together the lives of each individual:

"Who will love me for me?"

Got it? Alright.

At first listen, I was tempted to pass it off as another acoustic ballad, a pleasant tune with little substance lyrically and musically, which is how most acoustic songs are, right? Yeahh, not really. I was in for a surprise, that's for sure. And as you may very well know, God enjoys doing that from time to time (surprising us, that is).

When I was asked to learn this song (it's in the XP setlist for next years Youth Encounter teams), I knew a fair amount of practice would be in order. The original is sung by a female, so I started the process by searching for a comfortable key, and after finding one (key of A, of course!), I began to develop a newfound appreciation for the bare-bones musicality of the piece.

What intrigues me about acoustic songs is their risky simplicity. The fewer instruments to crowd the space within a song, the more exposed the vocals are, and in turn, the more obvious each wrong note will be in the finished recording. And with just myself and my acoustic in front of a handheld recorder, there was little room for error.

After singing the song through a few times, I started learning how to enunciate the lyrics, I noted where to take breaths, and I progressively became more and more comfortable with the strumming pattern.. standard protocol for learning a fresh tune. Yep yep.

Then the lyrics hit
me.

Somehow, I felt as if I was reading the words for the very first time, and I began to see how parts of my own life identified with each person in the verses.

Like the boy in verse one, I had prayed literally the exact words he did (or something similar) months ago "Dear God, could you send someone here who will love me?" I recalled offering up those words to God in a desperate attempt to reconcile my innate desire for a romantic relationship with my desire to pursue him. It tore me apart at the time.

Similar to the woman in verse two, for the longest time I felt the need to qualify what I had to offer in life by my outward appearance. Thankfully, God has gradually shaped my outlook into something different though. Less body, more soul. What will I have to offer when I'm 60 years old? Definitely more sags and wrinkles, that's for sure. But will I be able to look back on my life and see that my heart for God translated into the way I raised my kids and loved on my wife?

I pray for that regularly.

And like the man in verse three, I've felt many times that I'm here on this earth, waiting to die with little other purpose. Depressing, right? Well, apparently I'm not alone. They say the current death rate is 100%. Oh my gravy! Hard to believe, right? I try to look at it this way, everyone before me has died, so it's not really that weird that I will too. And to be down to earth with you, that's really not the full scope of the issue.

I'm not afraid of dying, but I'm afraid of dying alone.

Ever felt that way? Yeah, it bites hardcore. Super lame.

I've found that when my eyes are fixed on my imperfections, when I am more aware of my immediate sin than of God's grace, it's easy for me to convince myself that no one could ever love me for who I am. It's sad, but I get the feeling I'm not the only person who has felt this way. I once blogged, ".. perfection is not my cup of tea, and it will be good to be by someone's side with nothing to hide." That is what I dream of, that is what I pray for. A woman who will love me for me. Not for my past, present, or future.

But the truth of the matter is this: I already have that.

I may not have found a woman who loves me in this manner, but I've found a God who does.

The song culminates in the bridge and final choruses, where the lyrics are sung from God's perspective: "I know you've murdered, and I know you've lied. I've watched you suffer all of your life. And now that you'll listen, I will tell you that I love you for you, not for what you have done or what you will become."

"I will love you for YOU."

Really? Even though I mess up all the time, you're going to love me? There is no way I can live up to the standard of perfection that was set. Believe me, I've been there. There is no way we can save ourselves from ourselves. And to some people this makes little sense and we're tempted to ask, "Isn't there something we can do to rid ourselves of sin? To save ourselves? To make God love us?"

Well the answer is a firm no.

What gives then?

Here it is.

In order to properly appreciate the extent of God's love for us, there needs to exist a balanced understanding of both the Doctrine of Sin and the Doctrine of Grace; how incapable we are of getting to God vs Christ dying to bridge that gap. In the words of Jon Foreman, "The shadow proves the sunshine." Our sinfulness proves God's grace. One proves the importance of the other.

Still confused?

I'll just say this: If we could defeat sin by ourselves (and I've tried, it doesn't work), making us (literally) perfect [like Christ] on our own, what would be the point of Jesus living a perfect life? Why would he have to die? Wouldn't that just be a wasted sacrifice?

The answer is yes. If we could bridge the gap, if we could defeat sin by ourselves, then Christ's death would be rendered meaningless. Thankfully, that is 100% not the case. As Christians, it can be easy to fall into that trap; to misunderstand the significance of grace. The fact is: we are completely incapabale of defeating sin. We can never meet the qualifications. We can not meet the requirements. I've tried to be perfect. It's impossible.

The Apostle Paul could not have spoken more eloquently when he said:

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." - Romans 5:8

Once I understood the futility of my efforts to conquer my imperfections, the entirety of love was made evident to me. My sinfulness brought to light the importance of grace. The full, balanced equation was there. And there equation must be balanced. We must not take grace for granted, and we mustn't minimize the seriousness of our sin. We must be aware of both.

And with that understanding of grace comes the true knowledge of love: unconditional care and appreciation for someone because they are cherished in God's eyes, and were created for his purposes. And with Christ's example to look to, this translates into our earthly relationships through practical examples of forgiveness, patience, kindness, protection, humility, trust, and perseverence.

All at once, the entire song made sense. Christ loves us for who we are, and we are called to love each other in the same way.

Grace is so messy. But I love it.

Wordd.

Thanks for reading.

In his grace,
- Michael

"I Will Waste My Life." - My pursuit of purpose.

Disclaimer (lol): If you want to get to know me better, or if you're just wondering how I operate underneath the surface, these words are well worth the read. I promise. My entire life revolves around what I have to say in the next 10 paragraphs.

"I will waste my life."

Cool phrase, huh?

You may be cringing at the thought of throwing away something so important to you (your LIFE, dude! It's important!). And in all honesty, I can't blame you. I mean, (sarcasm) you may enjoy playing video games, but do you want to waste your life? Probably not. But to me, the words say something completely different. There's a curious something about consciously and intentionally saying those five words that triggers some sort of release mechanism in my spirit.

That being said.

The theme of release and surrender or giving up of one self seems to be a reoccurring staple in the prayers offered up by Misty Edwards on her worship album "Relentless." I could prolly write for pages, exploring the depth behind the simple lyrics and melodies that her songs present. And even as I write, my iTunes changes songs in the background, and her resonant female voice sings the words: "I believe you will come like the rain."

Hmm. You will come.. like the rain. You will come. Like the rain.. Like the rain. You. Will. Come. Dudemanwow. Interesting. Such simplicity. Such depth to soak in. My kind of worship, dude. Definitely my kind of worship.

As I realize that I lost my blue fine-point sharpie (and subsequently am writing this with the green one), I glance up and look out the window to see an endless field of grass reaching for and eventually losing itself in the horizon. Last night, that same horizon was black, yet at the same time, rife with lightning. The elements seemed to be at war with one another. Radical concept, man. But what really struck me (no pun intended) is that what I saw that night was a thunderstorm, but what I perceived was power.

I move outside to the backyard patio.

Today, in the aftermath of the storm, the weather speaks peace as a breeze graces my skin, filling my senses with activity and my hair with movement. This is for real, the perfect day. The periwinkle sky in Yuma, Colorado exists in quiet harmony with the 72° temperature, and although I feel peace, the picture my mind receives is control. And I am reminded of Mark 4:41. "Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him." The winds obey him? Like storms do what Jesus tells them to do? Wow. Super simple, but super powerful.

So there came a time in my life recently when my perspective radically changed.

And I'm about to tell you how.

Ready? Alright.

Pay attention, dude.

When I sing the words: "I will waste my life" I'm not saying that I will just throw away what God gave me. That would be seriously silly. But when I sing "I will waste my life" I am making a statement that what Michael Smith wants doesn't matter anymore. What I want doesn't matter. The desires of the flesh and of the man are relevant no longer. Done deal? Not quite. Some still may ask, "Well, if what I want doesn't matter anymore, what does matter?

Good question. Let's look at it this way.

To me, "I will waste my life" is just a more direct way of saying I'm not important, God, but you are. I'm not the priority, you are. And in the end, the fact of the matter is:

"I matter because I am God's creation, but the creation's desire is meaningless if it isn't aligned with the Creator's."

It's like writing a computer program to carry out some specific function. The program was created for a particular reason, and if the program doesn't want to carry out that function, it's existence would be meaningless. Sure it was created, but if it doesn't operate under the purpose for which it was created, then it's existence is directionless. In the same way, God created us for a specific reason (by the way, this is the big conclusion I have come to): To acknowledge him and bring him glory through the way we live.

And until our life functions around that statement, our life will lack meaning.

Wow.

Suddenly, a whole new level of intimacy with God is blown wide open. And like a breath of fresh air, "I will waste my life" seems like just another way of saying "I want to align my desires with yours, God." After coming to this realization, I immediately felt a sense of release. I felt surrender. And I felt thankfulness. What I wanted didn't matter anymore, and a fresh desire to glorify God in my living began to take over.

The way I look at my life's highest priorities completely changed.

Although I still have a strong desire (understatement of the year) for marriage, a fresh longing to glorify God in my singleness has grown in my heart. Directly related, a desire to be financially stable (a near necessity for marriage, in my mind) was also near the top of the list. And since I had no financial stability, I was discontented with the season where God had placed me. Now with a changed mindset, I am putting forth a conscious effort to spend my energies preparing myself for marriage instead of waiting for it, so that, when the season arrives, I will be ready to walk the path of marriage in a way that brings glory to my Creator.

It's like the purpose of life: to follow the purpose I was given life for.

Chew on that one (hehe).

Thanks for reading.

- Michael Stephen

"What does Michael Smith want to do with his life?" [ 5 | 3 | 2010 ]

The majority of people get married, and, coincidentally, most people get divorced once they're married. Well.. 46% in the United States actually, if we're going to be super honest. But you get the point (I hope). Not alot of people stay together for their entire life after exchanging vows. Pretty crazy statistic, huh? I'm not sure why I decided to start out this note with that, but perhaps it'll get your mind brewing.

I have had the privilege of traveling across the United States with a band for the last 9 months, staying in homes, traveling through over 20 new states (for me) meeting new people, ministering to youth, and experiencing new places, all while singing and playing my guitar. I've played in front of crowds of anywhere from 20-700 people at a time, and I have had the most grand experience of a lifetime. More than any 18 year old kid (19 now), fresh out of high school, could ask for.

I've met plenty of new people, and the top three questions I have been asked would probably be the following:

1) Where are you from?
2) How did you get involved in this ministry?
3) And what do you want to do with your life (after you head home)?

Number three gets me every time.

What do I want to do with my life? Well, if you know me at all, you could probably make an educated guess, and hit fairly close to home. "You want to make music and become a successful musician, right?" And I would reply, "Yeah, if everything went according to plan." Others may say, "You probably want to do some sort of writing gig! You got some serious literary skills, man." And in reply, I would say, "I could see myself doing that. And I would definitely enjoy it." And still others may say, "You should go into ministry! That's what you're doing right now after all!" And my response would be the same. "Why sure! I would be more than content doing that."

Indecisive? Yeahhh.. Perhaps.

Let's just put it this way.

I've spent the last 5 years of my life worrying about what I'm going to do with my life. And not until recently did I finally come to some sort of a reasonable conclusion (miracle, I know). My year commitment to the ministry I'm involved in ends in August, and when I go back home to Virginia Beach, I'm going to have to make some sort of a decision, one way or another.

Well I've made my decision.

I want to get married.

The heck?

Yes, you read that correctly. And even if you don't think you did, go back and read again (it's still there).

I've come to find that God has a ridiculous sense of humor, so I'm making plans to (possibly) break plans, but here's the deal: I want to find a girl, get to know her, date for a year-ish, be engaged for a little while, (-year), get married, and have a daughter. Yeah yeah, I know. You may be thinking, "Good gravy, you're only 19! You're just a kid!" Too early? Some would probably say so, but I'm not inclined to believe that. If you've known me for any reasonable amount of time, you probably know that I'm not new to the whole relationship thing. I've been there before.

And perhaps that's why I'm more often attracted to girls who are older than I. I'm done with the high school thing, and I've moved on. So many things change in a person from the time they're 16 to the time they're 21, that to me, it's not even worth it anymore. I would apologize to all my friends who are in high school relationships right now, but I'm not sorry, guys. It's just not worth it. High school is one 4 year long identity crisis for most people, and I'd rather know myself before I involve another person in my life. And I would prefer (incoming hint of sarcasm!) that they would know who they are too.

Oh yeah, and perhaps I'm the only one who thinks this way (although I certainly hope not), but I don't want to have to date someone for 4 or 5 years before marrying them. Sorry, but I would like to think that I would know by (at most) 2 years in. I digress though. I know finances plays a huge role in the marriage process, and it might not be able to happen (for that reason) when we're ready for it to happen.

"But at this point in my life, the next item for me on the relationship agenda is the last thing on my relationship agenda."

All I want in life is to find one girl and make her the focus of my life (#2 after God though, I should probably mention), and love her not only as a wife, but also as a best friend. And I want to have a daughter (with beautiful eyes), and love on her and any other kids I have. I want to protect, I want to provide, I want to teach, and I want to learn. I'm not sure if most 19 year olds are ready for marriage (mentally), and I realize that the harsh reality of finances will be up in my grill before I know it, but I'm willing to work with that.

As soon as I can provide for myself, I want to start providing for a family.

Beginning with my wife.

That is what Michael Smith wants to do with his life.

Thanks for reading.

- Michael Stephen

P.S. Don't get the wrong impression from reading this, especially you spaghetti-minded girls out there.

"Hateful nation.." [ 4 | 19 | 2010 ]

From the terminal view, another plane follows the trend
Sailing the skies, devoid of any landing.
A wreck waiting to happen, Is this how it ends?
The azure atmosphere leaves no room for standing..

I am beyond a wreck.
Perform self-check; commence self-disrespect.
Something is missing.
Something has gone terribly missing.
Is it the teasing?

Is it the arguments, the impatience, the disobedience?
Or the rejection, the pain, and the pride?
Is it the slander, swearing, and backstabbing?

Selfishness.

Sadness.

Depression..

Hateful nation.

Dear self,

I know it's supposed to be a wonderful world
But these empty shells spread dejection.
Life lives beyond this perception.

I feel stuck.

Hollow words breed rejection.
No remorse in their hateful inflections.

I can't feel it right now.
Point the finger, eat the bullet
Tempt the trigger; don't think, don't pull it.
Don't deny yourself the privilege
Of a God-given existence
Become the catalyst, find repentance.

Clear the tears, love
Life is still worth living.

Turn your cheek, enfold your heart
In love undying,
Death-defying.

- Michael Stephen

"Who is Michael Smith?" [ 3 | 20 | 2010 ]

Hmm.. Who is Michael Smith? Well, I posted a Facebook note similar to this one a little over a year ago with 25 things about meself. However, quite a few things in my life have changed since then, so I thought I would pen a snazzy new piece of literature for you Facebook stalkers out there (you know who you are) to entertain yourselves with! So please, sit back, grab a cup of coffee, and enjoy, cringe, laugh, or think.

Either one is fine by me, dawg.

[By the by, if I tagged you, it was probably random (or was it?!)]

Well, if you ask some people, they will tell you, "Oh that guy? He's some young gent by the name of Michael Smith! Met him back in the day. Plays in a band and all that jazz." Others may say, "Well, by jove, he's a guitarist! Look at him go! He's not too shabby." while others still might say, "I hardly know the guy, but he's my friend on Facebook, so it's all good, right?" And even still others would perhaps say, "I just met him, but he had to bounce! I wish I could know him a bit better."

Well if you fall under any of these categories, you are in luck (lol). Because I'm about to tell you 5 things you may or may not know about myself. Whether or not you read through all of them is your own prerogative, but they'll always be here (yup, all 5 of them!) for you to come back and peruse if you're ever a bit bored. So here goes! Ready? You better be, dude.

One. My Hair Is So Long.. I haven't cut it since sometime in the summer of last year, and at this point it's the longest it's ever been. I straighten it nearly every day to make it look relatively normal. And believe it or not, I get the impulse to shave my head quite often! Yet I've also gotten rather skilled at convincing myself that my hair looks a bit better long than shaved. So that argument usually fizzles out as soon as it starts.

It might (not) happen though! Keep an eye out.

Two. I Crave Stability. There's a (big) part of me that longs for someone to be there for. To share their pain, to share their laughs, to share their cries. To share my pain, laughs, and cries. To be close to. Maybe I'm a sucker for relationships, but maybe that's also why both the relationships I have had lasted such a long time. I invest myself, into someone else.

It's not even necessarily the romantic stability that I miss, it's being around the same people, same friends, same family. Don't get me wrong, I am blessed to be able to say that I have a group of a few incredible people that I get to hang out with 24 / 7, but the deepest parts of me want a home. Even if home means that one person to be mine. Hundreds of miles away or not.

Crazy, or just human? You tell me.

Three. I Miss Direction. There's an unspoken element involved with routine that I miss. Waking up, going to school, coming home, hugging mom, doing homework, going to work, sleeping, rinsing, and repeating everything the next day.

The feeling of progress is essential to living. I never would have thought that having something to show for my work would be so important to me. And the bitter reality of that statement is harsh, but true. It's important that I see results. Ministry (especially the particular kind of ministry I'm involved in) is perhaps one of the most difficult things to do when you're someone like me, because (A) you don't have a particular goal to work towards and (B) you don't necessarily get to see the fruit of your efforts.

It's a tough life, but it's worth it. I'm holding on.

Four. Writing Is So Important To Me. Whether it's the music I write, or smudged sharpie scribbles on my hand, writing is my favorite thing to do. I enjoy so many different kinds of writing. I might not like being assigned a fourteen page paper for homework, but I enjoy creating something to call my own and being rewarded for my efforts (with an A I hope!).

Additionally, there are so many feelings I could express by sitting down and thinking it out on paper that I couldn't get out by talking to someone. In many ways, it's pure catharsis. Therapeutic. It helps me organize my thoughts and form words out of what I'm thinking. And I don't even necessarily need therapy (or do I?!), but all in all, it's a funky little plus that my favorite pastime relieves a bit of everyday stress.

Just by getting ink onto paper too! It's like venting minus the yelling! Brilliance, really. Try it sometime.

Five. I'm Comfortable With My Imperfections. I spent quite a bit of time in the past worrying about the way I look, the way I act, the way people perceive me, the way society views me, whether or not I am accepted, how I am viewed by my friends. And the reality is, a negative or positive impression is always subject to how you present yourself. And there came a point in my life (not too long ago, in all honesty) when I became tired of presenting myself in a way that was intended to get people to like me.

Sure, part of that was just the way I am. Extrovert, people person, etc. I want people to like me. Who doesn't, man? Guilty as charged right here, dude. I care about the way I look. I care about what people think. Sorry. That's how I was born. I love approval. It warms my heart. And even though I will always feel this way to a certain extent, God has been good to me. And changed my mindset.

I am flawed. Imperfect. Defective. Blemished. Yes, I am imperfect. 100% broken. Yes, I have had excessive amounts of alcohol before. Yes, I have smoked before. Yes, I have lied to my parents. I have scars on my back and on my arms from a vicious battle with acne. I used to have a nasty swearing habit. By societal and legal standards (all other morality aside), I am imperfect.

I am not a perfect person.

God changed that. He saw my imperfections, and he's okay with them. Do I still do these things? By God's grace, the answer is no. I was never an alcoholic, and I don't plan on drinking any more alcohol than communion wine for quite some time (21+ perhaps?). I have quit smoking. I still swear every now and then, but I am trying. I am convicted of my imperfections, and I am sorry. I am so sorry for them.

But God keeps forgiving, and I keep living. Trying harder every day to live more like him. Tomorrow I'll still have long hair, I'll still be craving stability, I'll still be missing direction, I'll still be writing, and most importantly. I'll still be imperfect. And I don't want hope. I don't put my hope in Jesus.

I have hope. I have HIM.

My hope IS Jesus.

And that's me.

Hope you enjoyed.

- Michael

"God never stops forgiving?" [ 02 | 16 | 2010 ]

God never stops forgiving?

The answer has been in front of my face all this time. I've known this, but I never realized it's implications.

He keep forgiving me, despite my mistakes and pitfalls.

Meaning I get a second chance every time.

EVERY time.

That means I have that many chances to keep bettering myself, that many chances to try and look more like Christ, that many chances to draw closer to the prize, that many opportunities to overcome a sinful habit, that many chances to share what I have learned, and that many chances to try even harder.

What a God.

He is so good.

- Michael Stephen

"Regret In Repair." [ 02 | 11 | 2010 ]

A boy and a man, one heart, two hands.

Kept the peace, met both ends.. Is this the right thing?.. Trusted no one, not friends.. Quiet nights, barefoot on bed.. Resigned to nothing, struggled to defend.. It's so cold.. Skilled at breaking the bend.. Why does it have to be like this?..

Trained his heart for the end, to conquer resent.. Push through, you can make it.. Regretted the left, and loathed the right.. If you love her, let her go.. The middle was less traveled by.. Tears crash from dry eyes.. Room for compromise?


Oh, to go back.

These are the cages.

And.

This is war.

This is wasteland.

Selfish box-thinking.

What am I saying?

It's bigger then desperate realizations and unheld hands. Greater than my heart, and teardrops unplanned. Bigger purpose, bigger than any man. Take your perspective boy.

Expand.

This is infinite strife and wisdom, this is a final breath petition. Save the souls of our politicians. Cure the hearts of our broken women. Restore the orphans and renew contrition.

This is the poor, this is the beaten. This is battle cry on sinking sand. This is the off-key anthem to a dying land.

Falling, falling, sinking, falling.

Who can save us? Who can?

I am the tortured soul of a tortured man. And I can't.

It's in your hands, God. I trust you though I don't understand.

- Michael Stephen