"Blur the lines.." [ 10 | 28 | 2009 ]

You take your time to take a deep breath, and can’t tell yourself why.

Blur the lines, bulletproof is just a lie. You’ve gone so long with nothing to hide, but words cannot suffice. You’re losing this fight. Life hasn’t been breezy and dreaming hasn’t been easy. But there’s something to say about love and things of the heart.

Like seven hundred stars beating so hard. Your chest is pounding and you just don’t know where to start. Don’t think twice, just leave and don’t think because it’s worth the sting. Live and let time mend all things.

There are times when you can recall every last laugh and good memory. Smiles and kisses and best of friends. Summer is coming up and you’ll be gone in another town, living somehow. When you said it’s over, you meant both words.

So dim the lights and look past the clouds on the lake and reach for the seven hundred stars beating so hard. Your chest is pounding and you don’t know where to start. Don’t think twice, just leave and don’t think because it’s worth the sting. Live and let time mend.

All you need is something to say, and you want to scream because hope is running away. However, love is becoming more clear than just black and white. And even though you’re too broken up to get up, keep trying. Keep up the fight.

Because fighting is worth it, even when love is dying.

- Michael Stephen

"Let's remember everything.." [ 10 | 27 | 2009 ]

Let's take a walk down Arlington Arch; it's where these two green eyes learned to see.

Let's remember everything.

I remember the neighbors and the babysitter and the dented mailbox across the street, but more importantly, I remember my Winnie the Pooh birthday party and Redskins games on Sundays. The Oregon leaves remind me of Thanksgiving with the cousins, jumping in the leaves and sitting at those little plastic tables.

Sunday nights with chili beef and cream of celery, ritz crackers and tuna, saltines and butter. Call me nostalgic, but I don't want to forget.

We were different on some days, but we were family. I remember everything and I miss it all. Nothing has changed. Because I'm the same kid in different ways. I just want to see that house with the blue siding and the playground in the back. Shut your eyes, and you can almost see it with me.

Let's take a walk down a good memory.

- Michael Stephen

"These are just songs in my head.." [ 10 | 25 | 2009 ]

5:22 AM marks the shot heard round my world every morning.

I write, I listen to music, and I think.

And if you, humble reader, happen to glance over what has been written and what will be written, then you will be seeing the product of these three things. But more importantly, you will have first hand insight into my life. And you will get to know me underneath the surface.

This blog is not just about missing home, adjusting to a breakup, or being overwhelmed with three weeks of sickness. What you read here is me at my most honest, most intimate, and, at times, most vulnerable. If you take the time out of your day to read these arrangements of words, take them for what they're worth. Because this is me.

These are just songs in my head, wanting to be heard.

This is Michael Stephen Smith in words.

Thanks for reading.

- Michael Stephen

"2000 miles away.." [ 10 | 24 | 2009 ]

2000 miles away..

Hey dad, I just wanted to say, you’re my hero in every possible way. And mom, I wish I could give you everything, because that's what you deserve every single day. I wish I could take you with me, because your little boy is growing up on the other side of the country. And I know you would love to be there to see.

The grass in Washington remind me of the eyes that you gave to me, and I wish you could see the ways that God is working because of the life you inspired in me. Things worked out, how you raised me and the guys, and I always ask myself, "why am I so lucky to be in this family?" Because there is no way I could ever deserve to be.

And I'm going to take what I learned from you and give it to everyone around me. Maybe I'm just a boy with a dream, but you have taught me every lesson I need.

And if I could live with you for another eighteen years, I would do so in a heartbeat.

Because I love my family.

More than anything.

- Michael Stephen

"Letting down my guard has become an art.." [ 10 | 23 | 2009 ]

I’ve been stuck lately trying to convince myself to convince myself that there is a better way to be living and dying for bigger things.

All these feelings were so hard the first time to see, but now they come so freely. Is it just me? I haven’t been myself for over a year, and it feels kind of weird to cry again. But letting down my guard has become an art. And I want to let you in; make you the exception.

May I take your breath away?

I can’t see what’s in front of me, but hearing your voice clears some of the fog. I’m on my way to believing that I can love again, just give me the chance.

On my left is an old chipped chair that’s probably been everywhere. And it reminds me of me in one way or two. And I swear this to you, I wish that this was not the truth. But things have been getting hard, and I’m only eighteen.

Once again, I'll push through, and remember when I was out on the pier, and all I did was hear you talk about the diamonds in the sky. And I realized that I love the way you say my name and look into my eyes. Captivating and breathtaking all at once, let's be quiet and let the stars do the speaking.

The moon will light the way tonight.

Just give it a chance and a midnight dance and we'll watch the sun rise in the morning.

- Michael Stephen

"I wish I could go back to old times.." [ 10 | 22 | 2009 ]

I wish I could go back to old times and walk the curb outside the church, just like I used to do when the clouds began to drift away and things looked okay. Life has become more about moving on and staying strong, finding something to believe in and recognizing the color of the sky when it isn’t grey.

I realized that perfection is not my cup of tea, and it will be good to be by someone's side with nothing to hide. Supportive, dedicated, and imperfect as hell, I would love to meet you someday. And until then, I think I'll wear my heart on my sleeve and grasp for something just out of reach.

I won't balance the good and the bad. Perfect for someone, but nowhere near flawless. I'll try so hard to shoot for the stars, because when I’m fighting with all I got, they don’t seem too far.

Right up ahead, near Venus and to the left is a light that makes me think of you. And even when I mess up so much, at least I'm trying to be true. And I manage to find forgiveness every time. It’s so beautiful, that grace thing. And it makes me think of your love for the little things. So I will sing about your star in my sky, stealing my dreams every night. I take the chance every 11:11 to wish for your heart, perfect imperfect girl.

Call it what you want, but in my mind, that equation is balanced and equals two people fighting for something worth fighting for and living for each other plus something more.

Look out across the water, I’m standing on the dock just like that one night.

- Michael Stephen

"Don't remind me.." [ 10 | 21 | 2009 ]

Don’t remind me of where you thought that we were.

Young and innocent, but determined as hell, we could take on the world and we might as well with the hearts that we had. But that’s not how it turned out. Sometimes when you forget what you have, it all comes crashing down.

Ashes to ashes.

Dust to dust.

We had something but we never grew up. Little kids, barely sophomores, and you thought you had it all planned out. You’re just like the rest, sixteen, fearless, and as shallow as the sheets in your bed.

- Michael Stephen

"Dying for sleep my agony peaks.." [ 10 | 20 | 2009 ]

Dying for sleep, my agony peaks at 102.3.

A quiet part of my heart knows comfort and life without dark. But my mind is crawling for the light and I scream for my voice back. The walls cave in a bit more. It’s weird to think about death, but at this point, it can’t be far away, and that particular door seems easy after three weeks of misery.

I’m waiting for the room to stop spinning, and nine to one, she is winning.

This night won’t end and every word I read hits that deepest part; behind the heart and inside the soul. I do not know why .. feelings like that, but this story is getting old. And it’s hard not to compare, but when the scar is re-opened, it’s kind of hard to care.

I’m always coming down from I love you and sad goodbyes. And I will probably be misinterpreted again, but it’s nice to be remembered for things besides leaving.

I tried so hard to be kind, but departure spawns lies every time. And even if my voice comes back some day, there will be nothing left to say. I counted up, went all in, and came out broke. But having nothing never felt so good. I get the feeling she is just misdirected and time will heal all things. Yet I also get the feeling she's gaining control. And will come out stronger in the end.

I’m quiet and I won’t say a word.

Because even though I’m not there, I will always care.

I'm quiet and I won't say a word.

- Michael Stephen

"There is alot that I don't know.. " [ 10 | 9 | 2009 ]

There is a lot that I don’t know, and a lot that I’m still learning. And there are some things that need to go, because my heart is burning. And it stares me down. It has me living in the past. But like every time before, I know I’ll smile through the wreck. Because I’m alive. And I’m going to keep on living. Because I survived. And I’ll be a better man through this.

I’m not good with metaphors, but I’ve been trying to shut the door; lock the key on the past. I’ve been searching for more, looking for good in the bad. I’ve been weighing things wrong, writing songs and not singing along. In a world of lonely people, I’m starting to blend in. There was a time when I was speechless because it felt right. But now it seems like no one can appreciate love, no matter how hard I try.

I remember when I had all the confidence in the world, saying real things that did things. But this might be taking me over, and I’m left hanging on to you because there is no one else to turn to. I am crying, and it’s time to metamorphosize, because I have felt the pain of distant lies. And this silence on the outside is screaming for help as the inside of me dies.

It’s 6:44 and I’ve been awake for a while now.

But hope is here somehow.

There is no way to take this slowly, and I wonder if I look at everything in perspective if I can find that missing piece of who I want to be. There’s a significant part of the equation which should be here, but is elsewhere.

Lately I’ve been stumbling, but it feels like I’m recovering. I haven’t been sleeping well for the first time in my life. But I realize that all this could pass me by, and I’m going to come along for the ride and forget about looking for what is missing. Because what was missing was not me,

But my humility.

- Michael Stephen [ On the player / inspiration - The Resolution by Jack's Mannequin ]

"This hurts like hell.." [ 9 | 5 | 2009 ]

I’m just a boy with a dream. I want to make you smile, make you happy, say sweet things, share a laugh, love the world. Take a minute to understand me. I am here and I do not want to leave. Love is like oxygen and the whole world is suffocating. What a disease, deficiency of warmth and care. If all I did was share that with you for a moment, as the rain falls on your window pane, remember that day; why you felt that way; what I tried to say.

When we dreamed about playing in the snow that sunny morning, remember the way I cared for you and how you smiled, even just for a little while.

I can never ever let go of how I feel and I am sorry it has taken me so long to tell you all that all I wanted to do was trade your heart for mine for just one second to make you feel how happy I wish you could be. Borrow my heart for just one minute. A world with so much hate can never smile too much or laugh in excess.

I have been there in your shoes at the stroke of midnight when you felt like that and I thought, “If only for just one starry sky to have him know how I think about God and things unknown, how faith holds me in the hardest times and melts pain like snow."

Let’s make plans to be simple and make time to complicate.

Didn’t I tell you?

I stayed up late and realized that I love you and I am on your side. Forever and always until the day I die. Even if I'll never be there to see your spirit fly.

Take me for what I’m worth and I will be good for you if you love me. I just want a relationship minus uncertainty. I will show you I care if you run your hands through my hair and smile at the top of your lungs and realize that I am here, I love you,

AND I WILL ALWAYS BE THERE.

- Michael Stephen [ On the player / inspiration / title - Kill The Messenger by Jack's Mannequin ]